Artemis Fowl reads
by Crossover19
Summary: Artemis Fowl and co. read Artemis Fowl. Rated T, I am more paranoid then Foaly should be Rated K
1. Chapter 1

**This is set about 3 years after Last Guardian**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Artemis Fowl Sadly, Eion Colfer does, I do though own the plot**

**Chapter 1**

Artemis' phone ringed from his nightstand. Picking it up Artemis says

"Phone, answer the call"

"Yes, answering the call," said Lilli Fronds voice, Smiling Artemis thought _Holly will be so irritated Lili Frond is one of the many fairies Holly dislikes oh not Frond, Kelp Lilli Kelp_

"Mud Boy! What did you do?" Holly's voice sounded from the screen

"Holly, what do you mean, Foaly was watching me for the past 3 years, saying that I am a mere clone while my original dead body is decomposing in my coffin, You really think that I didn't notice that some bug camera's around my house?" Artemis retorts.

"You are sure right, I have but this is not important, we just came across an interesting book" Foaly answers.

"Foaly, hopefully, this isn't story time." Artemis chuckles.

"D'ar-" Foaly starts before Commander Trouble Kelp burst through the door, snarling.

"Foaly, what is this about a mystery package we got this morning addressed to Holly, Mud boy

and me?" Trouble Kelp bawled.

"look who woke up on the wrong side of their bed" Artemis heard Holly mutter

"Well, Hello to you too Commander," Artemis says tartly.

"Ah, I see that you have made contact with the Mud Boy," the Commander scowled.

"may I say that I am 24 technically an adult" Artemis interrupts.

_Boys_ Holly rolls her eyes as the two men continue with their posturing. She realizes they can be here all day and never go anywhere.

"No, Artemis you are actually 21" Foaly retorted

"Yes, I may be mentally 21 but I an actually 24 according to my records and my birth date. Being in Limbo might have not aged though I am still legally 24" Shot back Artemis

Sighing Holly pulled out her Neutrino, Powering it up Holly shoots a warning shot at a glass vase.

"Holly! That was my mother's vase!" Whined Foaly as it shattered and fell to the ground.

"Major, holster your weapon before I rebuke your surface visa." threatened Trouble

"Oh and Congratulations on the promotion Major," Artemis says coolly

Holstering her Neutrino, Holly apologizes

"Sorry, but we can't do anything while you guys are bickering."

A cackle sounded from the screen. Whipping around Holly sees Artemis doubled over wheezing.

" Why are you laughing, Mud Boy" Trouble glares at the screen.

"It is just.." stammers Artemis. _Artemis_, _Stammering_? _That's_ _new._

"Out with it" demanded Foaly, as Artemis finally stopped wheezing and looked up.

"Nevermind, we have more important things to discuss, I just got a package too, Butler just gave it to me after checking it, he also says hello," Artemis said ignoring the question.

"did you get a note on it?"

"yes, how did you know?" Artemis asks his eyebrow raised

"some guesses"

"It is addressed to me, Holly, No.1, Qwan, and ..." Artemis splutters,

"Out with it" Trouble growls.

"It is addressed to Mulch and Julius Root"

"Oh, of course, Mulch and Julius get mentioned and I don't"

Holly felt the emotions inside her churn, as Artemis mentions her old Commander, that she watched get blown into bits by Opal Koboi.

"Julius died a decade ago" Trouble spat still glaring at Artemis.

"Arty, who are you talking to? You have been there for about 30 minutes babbling about some people and arguing about how old you are."

Artemis' sighs and he replies

"Beckett please can you go away I am in the middle of a very important conversation, I will play with you in like 21 minutes"

"Okay, I will be waiting for you and we will finally wrestle"

"Beckett I have a conversation waiting, we will wrestle in 21 minutes "

Holly stares at Artemis, _since when did Artemis play with his brothers let alone wrestle with them_.

"Wait, You're joking, right? Artemis Fowl, The Great Artemis Fowl the Second, Criminal

Mastermind, wrestles with a couple of 6 years old's?" Foaly snickers from the back of the room.

"Yes, I do play with my brothers sometimes Foaly, As I am sure Barry plays with his sister and brother Sheridan and Brendan"

"How do you know my kids' names?" Foaly asked mystified,

"well, you know I have a lot of free time so why not try to hack into the LEP security system and I may have gone through some of your personal stuff," Artemis says with his famous vampire smile.

"Honestly, Foaly you're losing your touch, it was easy going through the firewalls"

Trouble was clearly mad, his face would have made Beet Root proud.

"We are getting off track! We need to find out about this book and who sent it to us."

Holly was half tempted to pull out her Neutrino again, but then an alarm went off.

"D'arvit, Myles you know I have alarms in my room," mutters Artemis raising his voice at _Myles_

"Paranoid, much?" Trouble whispers into Holly's ear, causing her to laugh

"Well, after all, our adventures I would probably be too, with Koboi almost killing his family, coming back from the dead and on top of that a mini Artemis by the name Myles trying to sneak into his room every day" Holly whispers back.

"wait, Myles is outside I see him walking in right now and Butler is cooking, Beckett is with Myles, Mother and Father at the spa" Artemis stated. his face paling (if his already paper white face can pale any more) Artemis started to say,

"Com-" and the reception link went silent.

"Artemis!" Holly exclaimed

Foaly started working on his computer, after several seconds Foaly muttered a colorful string of words.

"what?" Commander asked

"Artemis just disappeared into a cloud of gold dust. and then everyone else in the Fowl Manor, Including his parents that were on their way home from the spa" Foaly explains, _people don't just disappear into gold dust thought Foaly._

Then Holly, Foaly, Trouble, Mulch (who was in the middle of eating Juliet's cake in the Fowl Manor), No.1 and Qwan (they were n the middle of levitating a poor elf) busted into gold dust.

_**A/N: What happened to Artemis and co.? What's with the gold dust? also Please review, this is my first story ever and first fanfic **_**_constructive criticism _**_**welcome. *I basically gave it away in the beginning(if you bothered reading it)**_


	2. Chapter 2

Artemis woke up in a spacious room.

"D'arvit, Mud Whelp we can't even call you without something happening" the fairies, glared at Artemis

"Arty who are these- ahh small people?" Artemis Senior asks as the fairies turn around and realize they are accompanied by other people other than Artemis and his family.

"Oh hello to you too Captain, Commander and Foaly," said a small figure from the other end of the room.

"That is Commander to you, Stinky but nice to see you" Holly retorts

"Mulch will you please go somewhere else away from me, you stink," Juliet said as she got up and hugged Holly,

"Good to see you Holly, when was the last time you visited?" Juliet inquiries Holly as she let's go of the elf

"about 2 years ago"

"You really should visit more often then!" Juliet exclaims, Holly glares at Trouble.

"may I interrupt your friendly reunion, but may I ask who you are, and how do you know Artemis, Butler, and Juliet?" Artemis Fowl Senior asks.

"Father this is a long story that is for another time-" Artemis Jr. starts but is cut off by Holly.

"That I would love to cut short, he kidnapped me at 12 and ransomed me against my own people for one metric ton of gold, he got that gold and then that created a domino effect, of disasters."

"Where was I when this happened?"Angeline asked already afraid of the answer.

Artemis looked uncomfortable and then replied

"you were mentally ill, Mother, Commander Short healed for half a ton of gold" Angeline sighed and looked sadly at Artemis (a junior of course) but then turned to look at Holly

"Thank you, Holly, are you okay with me calling you Holly?"

"oh of course "

"Call me Angeline but thank you for healing me and turning my little Arty into the good man we see before us" Artemis Sr. Clears his throat, the two women turn to look at him, so does everyone else.

"Please will someone explain this situation? Why are we here?"

"Um, I may have an explanation, but it is sorta outlandish," said Artemis

"Arty after all we have been through it would be really hard to surprise me now spill it, " Holly playfully hit his shoulder. Angeline smiled at this.

" It's simple we have traveled dimensions again"

"D'arvit, Fowl you really are a magnet for trouble"

"no, Trouble is right there," said Artemis pointing at Trouble Kelp

The fairies and Butlers laugh, though his family and Minerva look puzzled.

"Arty, will you explain what is happen ing?" Myles asks looking quizzing at Artemis and the fairies.

" Myles-" a poof of gold dust and a pile of books appeared on a table in front of them.

"Okay, how in Fronds name did that happen?" Exclaims Holly after she and Trouble reflexively pulled out their guns in unison.

"Okay, please lower those dangerous looking guns and explain this to us," said Artemis Fowl senior.

"Do you work for the police force? I can see that you have weapons and Artemis referred" Myles looks at Holly "to you as commander, and you have some sort of badge on your shoulder"

"Yep, you are Artemis's brother alright" pipes up Mulch and Foaly at the same time.

"Artemis, I think this has your name on it," says N.1, gesturing to the pile as he was the closest.

It did indeed have his name on it. Artemis flips through the pages and sighs.

"Yes, what is written here is true." Artemis looks around and to his surprise, there were chairs and sofas all over the room.

"Well, I guess we have to read this," said Qwan as he too read the titles.

"I will start reading," said Artemis.

"_**Prologue**_

_**How does one describe Artemis Fowl? Various psychiatrists have tried and failed. The main problem is Artemis's own intelligence. He bamboozles every test thrown at him. He has puzzled the greatest medical minds and sent many of them gibbering to their own hospitals.**_

_**There is no doubt that Artemis is a child prodigy. But why does someone of such brilliance dedicate himself to criminal activities? **_

His father looked at Artemis and hangs his head.

" Yes, Artemis why criminal activities?" asks Trouble.

Artemis smiles slyly proving the point in the next sentence

_**This is a question that can be answered by only one person. And he delights in not talking.**_

"Lies!" shouted Holly and Juliet

_**Perhaps the best way to create an accurate picture of Artemis is to tell the by now famous account of his first villainous venture. I have put together this report from first-hand interviews with the victims, and as the tale unfolds you will realize that this was not easy.**_

_**The story began several years ago at the dawn of the twenty-first century. Artemis Fowl had devised a plan to restore his family's fortune. A plan that could topple civilizations and plunge the planet into a cross-species war.**_

_**He was twelve years old at the time …**_

Artemis Sr., Angeline, the twins, and Minerva at Artemis as though they have seen him for the first time, or well the twins and Minerva did.

"Where was I, when this happened?" asked Angeline,


	3. Chapter 3

"Like I said Mother, you were mentally ill."

The Butlers smile at his predicament as do the fairies.

"Mother, you will find out soon enough may I continue reading?"

Angeline nods and Artemis continues before anyone can interrupt.

**Chapter 1 The Book **the fairies groan.

**HO Chi Minh City in the summer. Sweltering by anyone's standards. Needless to say, Artemis Fowl would not have been willing to put up with such discomfort if something extremely important had not been at stake. Important to the plan.**

"Plan, Artemis what is the plan?" Mulch asks, though he knew he wouldn't get an answer.

**Sun did not suit Artemis. He did not look well in it. Long hours indoors in front of the monitor had bleached the glow from his skin. He was white as a vampire and almost as testy in the light of day.**

**'I hope this isn't another wild-goose chase, Butler,' he said, his voice soft and clipped. 'Especially after Cairo.'**

**It was a gentle rebuke. They had traveled to Egypt on the word of Butler's informant.**

**'No, sir. I'm certain this time. Nguyen is a good man.'**

**'Hmm,' droned Artemis, unconvinced. Passers-by would have been amazed to hear the large Eurasian refer to the boy as sir. This was, after all, the third millennium. But this was no ordinary relationship, and these were no ordinary tourists.**

"Really nothing is normal with Artemis Fowl" sighs Holly

Artemis smiled, to him, it is the highest of compliments.

**they were sitting outside a kerbside cafe on Dong Khai Street, watching the local teenagers circle the square on mopeds.**

**Nguyen was late, and the pathetic patch of shade provided by the umbrella was doing little to improve Artemis's mood. But this was just his daily pessimism. Beneath the sulk was a spark of hope. Could this trip actually yield results? Would they find the Book? It was too much to hope for.**

**A waiter scurried to their table.**

**'More tea, sirs?' he asked, head bobbing furiously.**

**Artemis sighed. 'Spare me the theatrics and sit down.'**

**The waiter turned instinctively to Butler, who was, after all, the adult.**

**'But, sir, I am the waiter.'**

**Artemis tapped the table for attention.**

**'You are wearing handmade loafers, a silk shirt, and three gold signet rings. Your English has a tinge of Oxford about it and your nails have the soft sheen of the recently manicured. You are not a waiter. You are our contact, Nguyen Xuan, and you have adopted this pathetic disguise to discreetly check for weaponry.'**

**Nguyen's shoulders sagged. 'It is true. Amazing.'**

**'Hardly. A ragged apron does not a waiter make.'**

**Nguyen sat, pouring some mint tea into a tiny china cup.**

**'Let me fill you in on the weapons status,' continued Artemis. 'I am unarmed. But Butler here, my ... ah ... butler, has a Sig Sauer in his shoulder holster, two shrike throwing knives in his boots, a derringer two-shot up his sleeve, garrotte wire in his watch and three stun grenades concealed in various pockets. Anything else, Butler?'**

**'The cosh, sir.'**

**'Oh yes. A good old ball-bearing cosh stuffed down his shirt.'**

Minerva looked at Butler.

"Um Butler, not to be rude, but isn't that like overboard?"

"You can never be too prepared" Butler answers nonchalantly.

"One of the best lessons, you ever taught me," Artemis replies before continuing

**Nguyen brought the cup trembling to his lips.**

**'Don't be alarmed, Mister Xuan,' smiled Artemis. 'The weapons will not be used on you.'**

**Nguyen didn't seem reassured.**

"Who would be?" muttered Foaly.

**'No,' continued Artemis. 'Butler could kill you a hundred different ways without the use of his armory. Though I'm sure one would be quite sufficient.'**

Myles and Beckett look at their brother, they can't quite wrap their heads around that their brother once sounded like this. He is so kind and caring so different from the cold, distant boy they are reading about.

**Nguyen was by now thoroughly spooked. Artemis generally had that effect on people. A pale adolescent speaking with the authority and vocabulary of a powerful adult. Nguyen had heard the name Fowl before - who hadn't in the international underworld? **(Artemis Sr. looked ashamed)** \- but he'd assumed he'd be dealing with Artemis Senior, not this boy. Though the word 'boy' hardly seemed to do this gaunt individual justice. And the giant, Butler. It was obvious that he could snap a man's backbone like a twig with those mammoth hands. Nguyen was starting to think that no amount of money was worth another minute in this strange company.**

**'And now to business,' said Artemis, placing a micro recorder on the table. 'You answered our web advertisement.'**

**Nguyen nodded, suddenly praying his information was accurate.**

**'Yes, Mister ... Master Fowl. What you're looking for ... I know where it is.'**

**'Really? And am I supposed to take your word for this? You could be walking me straight into an ambush. My family is not without enemies.'**

**Butler snatched a mosquito out of the air beside his employer's ear.**

**'No, no,' said Nguyen, reaching for his wallet. 'Here, look.'**

**Artemis studied the Polaroid. He willed his heart to maintain a calm beat. It seemed promising, but anything could be faked these days with a PC and flatbed scanner. The picture showed a hand reaching from layered shadows. A mottled green hand.**

"Why am I not surprised?" said Foaly

"Why?" asked Minerva

"Well, this is probably a fairy with goblin or sprite blood as they are the stupidest of the People, other than trolls"

**Hmm,' he murmured. 'Explain.'**

**'This woman. She is a healer, near Tu Do Street. She works in exchange for rice wine. All the time, drunk.'**

**Artemis nodded. It made sense. The drinking. One of the few consistent facts his research had unearthed. He stood, smoothing the creases from his white polo shirt.**

**'Very well. Lead on, Mister Nguyen.'**

**Nguyen wiped the sweat from his stringy mustache.**

**'Information only. That was the agreement. I don't want any curses on my head.'**

"I wish, only warlocks can cast curses or I think," said Trouble

"Wait, you can't?" asked Beckett.

"No Beckett, they can't but I would still stay on their good side as they are attitude-wise extremely dangerous, they have by far superior technology" replied Artemis, earning a _you-got-that-right _look from Holly. Mulch laughs and nods in agreement. "Oh and stay away from the hind side of dwarves," Butler asks smiling at Mulch.

"May I continue?" no response, Artemis continues.

Butler expertly gripped the informant behind the neck.

**'I'm sorry, Mister Nguyen, but the time when you had a choice in matters is long past.'**

**Butler steered the protesting Vietnamese to a rented four-wheel drive that was hardly necessary on the flat streets of Ho Chi Minh City, or Saigon as the locals still called it, but Artemis preferred to be as insulated from civilians as possible.**

**The jeep inched forward at a painfully slow rate, made all the more excruciating by the anticipation building in Artemis's chest. He could suppress it no longer. Could they, at last, be at the end of their quest? After six false alarms across three continents, could this wine-sodden healer be the gold at the end of the rainbow? Artemis almost chuckled. Gold at the end of the rainbow. He'd made a joke. Now there's something that didn't happen every day.**

**The mopeds parted like fish in a giant shoal. There seemed to be no end to the crowds. Even the alleyways were full to bursting with vendors and hagglers. Cooks dropped fish heads into works of hissing oil, and urchins threaded their way underfoot, searching for unguarded valuables. Others sat in the shade, wearing out their thumbs on Gameboys.**

**Nguyen was sweating right through his khaki top. It wasn't the humidity, he was used to that. It was this whole cursed situation. He should Ve known better than to mix magic and crime. He made a silent promise that if he got out of this, he would change his ways. No more answering shady Internet requests, and certainly no more consorting with the sons of European crime lords.**

**The jeep could go only so far. Eventually, the side streets grew too narrow for the four-wheel drive. Artemis turned to Nguyen. 'It seems we must proceed on foot, Mister Nguyen. Run if you like, but expect a sharp and fatal pain between your shoulder blades.'**

**Nguyen glanced into Butler's eyes. They were a deep blue, almost black. There was no mercy in those eyes. 'Don't worry,' he said. 'I won't run.'**

**They climbed down from the vehicle. A thousand suspicious eyes followed their progress along the steaming alley. An unfortunate pickpocket attempted to steal Butler's wallet. The manservant broke the man's fingers without looking down. They were given a wide berth after that.**

**The alley narrowed to a rutted lane. Sewage and drain pipes fed directly on to the muddy surface. Cripples and beggars huddled on rice-mat islands. Most of the residents of this lane had nothing to spare, with the exception of three.**

**'Well?' demanded Artemis. 'Where is she?'**

**Nguyen jabbed a finger towards a black triangle beneath a rusted fire escape.**

**'There. Under there. She never comes out. Even to buy rice spirits, she sends a runner. Now, can I go?'**

**Artemis didn't bother answering. Instead, he picked his way across the puddled lane to the lee of the fire escape. He could discern furtive movements in the shadows.**

"Artemis.."

"Hold those thoughts and let us finish this chapter."

'**Butler, could you hand me the goggles?'**

**Butler plucked a set of night-vision glasses from his belt and placed them in Artemis's outstretched hand. The focus motor buzzed to suit the light.**

**Artemis fixed the glasses to his face. Everything became radioactive green. Taking a deep breath, he turned his gaze to the squirming shadows. Something squatted on a raffia mat, shifting uneasily in the almost non-existent light. Artemis fine-tuned the focus. The figure was small, abnormally so, and wrapped in a filthy shawl. Empty spirit jugs were half-buried in the mud around her. One forearm poked from the material. It seemed green. But then, so did everything else.**

"Let me guess It is a sprite isn't it," the fairies said.

"How do you know?" asked Minerva

"Well only Sprites have green skin," N.1 said doing something with his fingers.

**'Madam,' he said, 'I have a proposition for you.'**

**The figure's head wobbled sleepily.**

**'Wine,' she rasped, her voice like nails on a school board. 'Wine, English.'**

**Artemis smiled. The gift of tongues, aversion to light. Check, check.**

"how did you know that? Is there enough rumors out there for you to know that?" Trouble asks, glaring at Foaly.

"Yes, but I took down most of it after the goblin revolution.

**'Irish, actually. Now, about my proposition?'**

**The healer shook a bony finger craftily. 'Wine first. Then talk.'**

**'Butler?'**

**The bodyguard reached into a pocket and drew out a half-pint of the finest Irish whiskey. Artemis took the bottle and held it teasingly beyond the shadows. He barely had time to remove his goggles when the claw-like hand darted from the gloom to snatch the whiskey. A mottled green hand. There was no doubt.**

**Artemis swallowed a triumphant grin.**

**'Pay our friend, Butler. In full. Remember, Mister Nguyen, this is between us. You don't want Butler to come back, do you?'**

**'No, no, Master Fowl. My lips are sealed.'**

**'They had better be. Or Butler will seal them permanently.'**

"Artemis, why do you threaten the poor man, every sentence?" Minerva asks

"Minerva, I was a very different person when I was younger" Minerva nods for him to continue.

**Nguyen skipped off down the alley, so relieved to be alive that he didn't even bother counting the sheaf of US currency. Most unlike him. In any event, it was all there. All twenty thousand dollars. Not bad for half an hour's work.**

**Artemis turned back to the healer.**

**'Now, madam, you have something that I want.'**

**The healer's tongue caught a drop of alcohol at the corner of her mouth.**

**'Yes, Irish. Sore head. Bad tooth. I heal.'**

**Artemis replaced the night-vision goggles and squatted to her level.**

**'I am perfectly healthy, madam, apart from a slight dust-mite allergy, and I don't think even you can do anything about that. No. What I want from you is your Book.'**

**The hag froze. Bright eyes glinted from beneath the shawl.**

**'Book?' she said cautiously. 'I don't know about no book. I am healer. You want book, go to library.'**

"Well she isn't a complete idiot,"Holly says.

"When we get back I will send a Recon officer to take her back underground,"

"Holly, a slight problem this happened at least a decade ago, Frond knows where she is"

**Artemis sighed with exaggerated patience. 'You are no healer. You are a sprite, p'shóg, fairy, ka-dalun. Whichever language you prefer to use. And I want your Book.'**

"How do you know this stuff, Arty"asks Beckett

"Oh it was online" Artemis looked at Foaly. And Foaly in return scowls.

"Foaly you will take down all that is online when we get back," growls Holly looking really really scarily like The late Commander Root.

"Holly…"

"That is a command Foaly"

"Yes,commander" said Foaly begrudgingly, though he didn't want to anger the fiery elf. Holly really has changed after becoming Commander, she is easily angered and is always in a bad mood.

**For a long moment the creature said nothing, then she threw back the shawl from her forehead. In the green glow of the night-vision goggles, her features leaped at Artemis like a Hallowe'en mask. The fairy's nose was long and hooked under two slitted golden eyes. Her ears were pointed, and the alcohol addiction had melted her skin like putty.**

"Eww," Juliet winced as it reminded her of when she burned her hand.

**'If you know about the Book, human,' she said slowly, fighting the numbing effects of the whiskey, 'then you know about the magic I have in my fist. I can kill you with a snap of my fingers!'  
**"Never underestimate Artemis Fowl the Second. If you want an example look at Briar Cudgeon,Turnball Root and _Opal Koboi_**" **said Holly. Artemis smiles at that.

**Artemis shrugged. 'I think not. Look at you. You are near dead. The rice wine has dulled your senses. Reduced to healing warts. Pathetic. I am here to save you, in return for the Book.'**

**'What could a human want with our Book?'**

**'That is no concern of yours. All you need to know are your options.'**

**The sprite's pointed ears quivered. Options?**

**'One, you refuse to give us the Book and we go home, leaving you to rot in this sewer.'**

**'Yes,' said the fairy. 'I choose this option.'**

**'Ah no. Don't be so eager. If we leave without the Book, you will be dead in a day.'**

**'A day! A day!'The healer laughed. 'I will outlive you by a century. Even fairies tethered to the human realm can survive the ages.'**

**"**What did you do Mud Boy?" Trouble looked back at Artemis his eyes narrowed.

**'Not with half a pint of holy water inside them,' said Artemis, tapping the now empty whiskey bottle.  
**and that burst the bubble and the fairies (or well Trouble and Holly) glared at Artemis. Qwan and N.1 looked horrified.

"May I ask what is wrong with holy water?" Minerva asks

"Old hex" replied Qwan.

"Relax let us read on "

**The fairy blanched, then screamed, a high keening horrible sound.**

**'Holy water! You have murdered me, human.'**

**'True,' admitted Artemis. 'It should start to burn any minute now.'**

**The fairy poked her stomach tentatively. 'The second option?'**

**'Listening now, are we? Very well then. Option two. You give me the Book for thirty minutes only. Then I return your magic to you.'  
**

The warlocks looked as if they were going to interrupt, but Artemis held up his hand. Universal sign for stop

**The sprite's jaw dropped. 'Return my magic? Not possible.'**

**'Oh but it is. I have in my possession two ampoules.**

**One, a vial of spring water from the fairy well sixty metres below the ring of Tara - possibly the most magical place on earth. This will counteract the holy water.'**

**"**Of course!" Qwan slapped his forehead.

**'And the other?'**

**'The other is a little shot of man-made magic. A virus that feeds on alcohol, mixed with a growth reagent. It will flush every drop of rice wine from your body, remove the dependence and even bolster your failing liver. It'll be messy, but after a day you'll be zipping around as though you were a thousand years old again.'**

" I am going to take a wide guess and say you made that?" Asked Mulch

"Yes, I did"

Holly said something unexpected

"Well thanks for not telling us as we have enough on our plate without runaways knowing there's a cure."

**The sprite licked her lips. To be able to rejoin the People? Tempting.**

**'How do I know to trust you, human? You have tricked me once already.'**

**'Good point. Here's the deal. I give you the water on faith. Then, after I've had a look at the Book, you get the booster. Take it or leave it.'**

**The fairy considered. The pain was already curling around her abdomen. She thrust out her wrist.**

**'I take it.'**

**'I thought you might. Butler?'**

**The giant manservant unwrapped a soft Velcroed case containing a syringe gun and two vials. He loaded the clear one, shooting it into the sprite's clammy arm. The fairy stiffened momentarily, and then relaxed.**

**'Strong magic,' she breathed.**

**'Yes. But not as strong as your own will be when I give you the second injection. Now, the Book.'**

**The sprite reached into the folds of her filthy robe, rummaging for an age. Artemis held his breath. This was it. Soon the Fowls would be great again. A new empire would rise, with Artemis Fowl the Second at its head.  
**

"Not as funny as it should be"

"Also, trust a sprite to betray her People to fly again." Said Foaly grumbled in Gnommish.

"What did you say?" Myles asks as he never heard that language. Foaly looked at Holly, Trouble and Artemis who of course understood him.

"Myles that you will find out sooner or later" replied Artemis

**The fairy woman withdrew a closed fist.**

**'No use to you anyway. Written in the old tongue.'**

**Artemis nodded, not trusting himself to speak.**

**She opened her knobbly fingers. Lying in her palm was a tiny golden volume the size of a matchbox.**

**'Here, human. Thirty of your minutes. No more.'**

**Butler took the tiny tome reverentially. The bodyguard activated a compact digital camera and began photographing each wafer-thin page of the Book. The process took several minutes. When he was finished, the entire volume was stored on the camera's chip. Artemis preferred not to take chances with information. Airport security equipment had been known to wipe many a vital disk. So he instructed his aide to transfer the file to his portable phone and from there e-mail it to Fowl Manor in Dublin. Before the thirty minutes were up, the file containing every symbol in the Fairy Book was sitting safely in the Fowl server.**

**Artemis returned the tiny volume to its owner.**

**'Nice doing business with you.'**

**The sprite lurched to her knees. 'The other potion, human?'**

**Artemis smiled. 'Oh yes, the restoring booster. I suppose I did promise.'**

**'Yes. Human promised.'**

**'Very well. But before we administer it, I must warn you that purging is not pleasant. You're not going to enjoy this one bit.'**

**The fairy gestured around her at the squalid filth. 'You think I enjoy this? I want to fly again.'**

**Butler loaded the second vial, shooting this one straight into the carotid artery.**

**The sprite immediately collapsed on the mat, her entire frame quivering violently.**

**'Time to leave,' commented Artemis. 'A hundred years of alcohol leaving a body by any means possible is not a pretty sight.'**

**The Butlers had been serving the Fowls for centuries. It had always been the way. Indeed there were several eminent linguists of the opinion that this was how the noun originated. The first record of this unusual arrangement was when Virgil Butler had been contracted as servant, bodyguard and cook to Lord Hugo de Fòle for one of the first great Norman crusades.**

**At the age often, Butler children were sent to a private training centre in Israel, where they were taught the specialized skills necessary to guard the latest in the Fowl line. These skills included cordon bleu cooking, marksmanship, a customized blend of martial arts, emergency medicine and information technology. If, at the end of their training, there was not a Fowl to guard, then the Butlers were eagerly snapped up as bodyguards for various royal personages, generally in Monaco or Saudi Arabia.**

**Once a Fowl and a Butler were put together, they were paired for life. It was a demanding job, and lonely, but the rewards were handsome if you survived to enjoy them. If not, then your family received a six-figure settlement plus a monthly pension.**

**The current Butler had been guarding young Master Artemis for twelve years, since the moment of his birth. And, though they adhered to the age-old formalities, they were much more than master and servant. Artemis was the closest thing Butler had to a friend, and Butler was the closest Artemis had to a father, albeit one who obeyed orders.**

**Butler held his tongue until they were aboard the Heathrow connection from Bangkok, then he had to ask.**

**'Artemis?'**

**Artemis looked up from the screen of his PowerBook. He was getting a head start on the translation.**

**'Yes?'**

**'The sprite. Why didn't we simply keep the Book and leave her to die?'  
**

"BUTLER!" Holly exclaimed

"Holly, my duty is to protect Artemis, and I will live with that burden of it means protecting Artemis" **  
'A corpse is evidence, Butler. My way, the People will have no reason to be suspicious.'**

**'But the sprite?'**

**'I hardly think she will confess to showing humans the Book. In any case, I mixed a slight amnesiac into her second injection. When she finally wakes up, the last week will be a blur.'**

**Butler nodded appreciatively. Always two steps ahead, that was Master Artemis. People said he was a chip off the old block. They were wrong. Master Artemis was a brand-new block, the likes of which had never been seen before.**

**Doubts assuaged, Butler returned to his copy of Guns and Ammo, leaving his employer to unravel the secrets of the universe.**

"Okay, how in Fronds name are you going to translate a language you have never seen before?" Trouble asks

"Wing Commander I am a Fowl."


	4. Chapter 4

**Um, guys, I realized that in the first chapter Holly is a major and Trouble is commander, I wanted Holly to be Commander and Trouble to be Wing Commander. Sorry for the confusion **

Trouble sighs and looks up. "Of course, a Fowl"

"Trouble what do you expect him to do with the book? Skip around yell 'I have a fairy book! Fairies are real!" Holly said her voice dripping with sarcasm. Everyone laughs.

"Holly, you really have changed since we last saw you, is it just me or are you even more sarcastic?" Juliet asks laughing.

"Oh yes, she has changed, Holly really hasn't laughed in a long time, I think that was at least 2 years ago when she has visited you Artemis, she is way more serious," said Foaly, earning a glare from Holly.

"Laughing is bad for discipline if you heard someone saying they heard me laughing, I want their name and rank. I laugh on rare occasions and watch your mouth, Centaur." Growls Holly, scarily resembling Root.

"Um, in the short time I have known Root, I have picked up on his default mood, so Holly I think you have adopted his default mode," Juliet says.

" Holly, I think you just quoted Root, he said that a long time ago, before you joined the force," Foaly says, his eyes were glinting with amusement.

"Who is this root?" asked Minerva, as she had not met Root,

"He was our Commander before he was blown to bits, literally, by Opal Koboi" Trouble spats out the name as if it were poison.

"And what did this Opal Koboi do to you except blow up your commander?"

"Oh, nothing just tried to take over the world 3 times! Murdered our commander, and killed me" Artemis said that as if he was simply asking if she wanted tea.

"She killed- she did WHAT!"

"She unleashed this-" Artemis started.

"Artemis aren't we reading the books now, let's not spoil it now," Mulch said.

"Fine, let us continue," Artemis says before reading

**BY now, you must have guessed just how far Artemis Fowl was prepared to go in order to achieve his goal. But what exactly was this goal? What outlandish scheme would involve the blackmailing of an alcohol-addicted sprite? The answer was gold**.  
"of course it was"

**Artemis's search had begun two years previously when he first became interested in surfing the Internet. He quickly found the more arcane sites: alien abduction, UFO sightings and the supernatural. But most specifically the existence of the People.  
** "Ok wait, you're telling me that Artemis spent 2 YEARS searching for the fairies and of all of them he has to take me!"

"It was pure coincidence Holly"

Holly grunts in reply

**Trawling through gigabytes of data, he found hundreds of references to fairies from nearly every country in the world. Each civilization had its own term for the People, but they were undoubtedly members of the same hidden family. Several stories mentioned a Book carried by each fairy. It was their Bible, containing, as it allegedly did, the history of their race and the commandments that governed their extended lives. Of course, this Book was written in Gnommish, the fairy text, and would be of no use to any human.**

**Artemis believed that with today's technology the Book could be translated. And with this translation, you could begin to exploit a whole new group of creatures.**

**Know thine enemy was Artemis's motto, so he immersed himself in the lore of the People until he had compiled a huge database on their characteristics. But it wasn't enough. So Artemis put out a call on the Web: Irish businessman will pay large amount of US dollars to meet a fairy, sprite, leprechaun, pixie. The responses had been mostly fraudulent, but Ho Chi Minh City had paid off.**

**Artemis was perhaps the only person alive who could take full advantage of his recent acquisition. He still retained a childlike belief in magic, tempered by an adult determination to exploit it. If there was anybody capable of relieving the fairies of some of their magical gold, it was Artemis Fowl the Second.**

**It was early morning before they reached Fowl Manor. Artemis was anxious to bring up the file on his computer, but first, he decided to call in on Mother.**

**Angeline Fowl was bedridden. She had been since her husband's disappearance. Nervous tension, the physicians said. Nothing for it but rest and sleeping pills. That was almost a year ago.  
Angeline looked down ashamed.**

"**Mother, it was not your fault."  
"I should have been there for you, Arty"**

**Butler's little sister, Juliet, was sitting at the foot of the stairs. Her gaze was boring a hole in the wall. Even the glitter mascara couldn't soften her expression. Artemis had seen that look already, just before Juliet had suplexed a particularly cheeky pizza boy. The suplex, Artemis gathered, was a wrestling move. An unusual obsession for a teenage girl. But then again she was, after all, a Butler.**

**'Problems, Juliet?'**

**Juliet straightened hurriedly. 'My own fault, Artemis. Apparently, I left a gap in the curtains. Mrs. Fowl couldn't sleep.'**

**'Hmm,' muttered Artemis, scaling the oak staircase slowly.**

**He worried about his mother's condition. She hadn't seen the light of day in a long time now. Then again, should she miraculously recover, emerging revitalized from her bedchamber, it would signal the end of Artemis's own extraordinary freedom. It would be back off to school, and no more spearheading criminal enterprises for you, my lad.**

**He knocked gently on the arched double doors.**

**'Mother? Are you awake?'**

**Something smashed against the other side of the door. It sounded expensive.**

**'Of course, I'm awake! How can I sleep in this blinding glare?'**

**Artemis ventured inside. An antique four-poster bed threw shadowy spires in the darkness, and a pale sliver of light poked through a gap in the velvet curtains. Angeline Fowl sat hunched on the bed, her pale limbs glowing white in the gloom.**

**'Artemis, darling, where have you been?'**

**Artemis sighed. She recognized him. That was a good sign.**

**'School trip, Mother. Skiing in Austria.'**

**'Ah, skiing,' crooned Angeline. 'How I miss it. Maybe when your father returns.'**

**Artemis felt a lump in his throat. Most uncharacteristic.**

**'Yes. Perhaps when Father returns.'**

**'Darling, could you close those wretched curtains. The light is intolerable.'**

**'Of course, Mother.'**

**Artemis felt his way across the room, wary of the low-level clothes chests scattered about the floor. Finally, his fingers curled around the velvet drapes. For a moment he was tempted to throw them wide open, then he sighed and closed the gap.**

**'Thank you, darling. By the way, we really have to get rid of that maid. She is good for absolutely nothing.'**

**Artemis held his tongue. Juliet had been a hardworking and loyal member of the Fowl household for the past three years. Time to use Mother's absent-mindedness to his advantage.**

**'You're right of course, Mother. I've been meaning to do it for some time. Butler has a sister I believe would be perfect for the position. I think I've mentioned her. Juliet?'**

**Angeline frowned. 'Juliet? Yes, the name does seem familiar. Well, anyone would be better than that silly girl we have now. When can she start?'**

**'Straight away. I'll have Butler fetch her from the lodge.'**

**'You're a good boy, Artemis. Now give Mummy a hug.'**

**Artemis stepped into the shadowy folds of his mother's robe. She smelled perfumed, like petals in water. But her arms were cold and weak.**

**'Oh, darling,' she whispered, and the sound sent goosebumps popping down Artemis's neck. 'I hear things. At night. They crawl along the pillows and into my ears.'**

**Artemis felt that lump in his throat again.**

**'Perhaps we should open the curtains, Mother.'**

**'No,' his mother sobbed, releasing him from her grasp. 'No. Because then I could see them too.'**

**'Mother, please.'**

**But it was no use. Angeline was gone. She crawled to the far corner of the bed, pulling the quilt under her chin.**

**'Send the new girl.'**

**'Yes, Mother.'**

**'Send her with cucumber slices and water.'**

**'Yes, Mother.'**

**Angeline glared at him with crafty eyes. 'And stop calling me Mother. I don't know who you are, but you're certainly not my little Arty.'**

**Artemis blinked back a few rebellious tears. 'Of course. Sorry, Moth - Sorry.'**

**'Hmm. Don't come back here again, or I'll have my husband take care of you. He's a very important man, you know.'**

**'Very well, Mrs. Fowl. This is the last you'll see of me.'**

**'It had better be.' Angeline froze suddenly. 'Do you hear them?'**

**Artemis shook his head. 'No. I don't hear any -'**

**'They're coming for me. They're everywhere.' Angeline dived for cover beneath the bedclothes.**

**Artemis could still hear her terrified sobs as he descended the marble staircase.  
**

"I almost feel bad for Artemis, this also shows Artemis wasn't a cold-hearted boy when we met him."

**The Book was proving far more stubborn than Artemis had anticipated. It seemed to be almost actively resisting him. No matter which program he ran it through, the computer came up blank.**

**Artemis hard-copied every page, tacking them to the walls of his study. Sometimes it helped to have things on paper. The script was like nothing he'd seen before, and yet it was strangely familiar. Obviously a mixture of symbolic and character-based language, the text meandered around the page in no apparent order.**

**What the program needed was some frame of reference, some central point on which to build. He separated all the characters and ran comparisons with English, Chinese, Greek, Arabic and Cyrillic texts, even with Ogham. Nothing.**

**Moody with frustration, Artemis sent Juliet scurrying when she interrupted with sandwiches and moved on to symbols. The most frequently recurring pictogram was a small male figure. Male, he presumed, though with the limited knowledge of the fairy anatomy he supposed it could be female. A thought struck him. Artemis opened the ancient languages file on his Power Translator and selected Egyptian.**

**At last. A hit. The male symbol was remarkably similar to the Anubis god representation on Tutankhamen's inner-chamber hieroglyphics. This was consistent with his other findings. The first written human stories were about fairies, suggesting that their civilization predated man's own. It would seem that the Egyptians had simply adapted an existing scripture to suit their needs.**

**There were other resemblances. But the characters were just dissimilar enough to slip through the computer's net. This would have to be done manually. Each Gnommish figure had to be enlarged, printed and then compared with the hieroglyphs.**

**Artemis felt the excitement of success thumping inside his ribcage. Almost every fairy pictogram or letter had an Egyptian counterpart. Most were universal, such as the sun or birds. But some seemed exclusively supernatural and had to be tailored to fit. The Anubis figure, for example, would make no sense as a dog god, so Artemis altered it to read king of the fairies.**

**By midnight, Artemis had successfully fed his findings into the Macintosh. All he had to do now was press 'Decode'. He did so. What emerged was a long, intricate string of meaningless gibberish.**

**A normal child would have abandoned the task long since. The average adult would probably have been reduced to slapping the keyboard. But not Artemis. This book was testing him and he would not allow it to win.**

"I am trying to imagine Artemis slapping a keyboard," said Foaly through fits of laughter. The rest of the occupants laughed too, but they stopped as they wanted to hear more.

**The letters were right, he was certain of it. It was just the order that was wrong. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, Artemis glared at the pages again. Each segment was bordered by a solid line. This could represent paragraphs or chapters, but they were not meant to be read in the usual left to right, top to bottom fashion.**

**Artemis experimented. He tried the Arabic right to left and the Chinese columns. Nothing worked. Then he noticed that each page had one thing in common - a central section. The other pictograms were arranged around this pivotal area. So a central starting point perhaps. But where to go from there? Artemis scanned the pages for some other common factor. After several minutes he found it. There was on each page a tiny spearhead in the corner of one section. Could this be an arrow? A direction? Go this way? So the theory would be start in the middle, then follow the arrow, reading in spirals.  
**

"ya we fixed that now it goes side to side as the younger generation has trouble reading in spirals," said Foaly

**The computer program wasn't built to handle something like this, so Artemis had to improvise. With a craft knife and ruler, he dissected the first page of the Book and reassembled it in the traditional Western languages order - left to right, parallel rows. Then he rescanned the page and fed it through the modified Egyptian translator.**

**The computer hummed and whirred, converting all the information to binary. Several times it stopped to ask for confirmation of a character or symbol. This happened less and less as the machine learned the new language. Eventually, two words flashed on the screen: File converted.**

**Fingers shaking from exhaustion and excitement, Artemis clicked 'Print'. A single page scrolled from the LaserWriter. It was in English now. Yes, there were mistakes, some fine-tuning needed, but it was perfectly legible and, more importantly, perfectly understandable.**

**Fully aware that he was probably the first human in several thousand years to decode the magical words, Artemis switched on his desk light and began to read.**

**The Booke of the People.  
Being instructions to our magicks  
and life rules**

**Carry me always, carry me well.  
I am thy teacher of herb and spell.  
I am thy link to power arcane.  
Forget me and thy magick shall wane.**

**Ten times ten commandments there be.  
They will answer every mystery.  
Cures, curses, alchemy.  
These secrets shall be thine, through me.**

**But, Fairy, remember this above all.  
I am not for those in mud that crawl.  
And forever doomed shall be the one,  
Who betrays my secrets one by one.  
**

"So that's how you got all the information, " said Holly, before walking up to Artemis and punching his face. Oh no, this is not a playful punch, you can see a bruise starting to swell on his face. Butler sighs and looks at Holly._really Holly? Really? _The look said, Holly in return shrugs. Artemis's family being unfamiliar with their friendship looked at Butler in disbelief. As he was supposed to protect Artemis.

"Mother, Father I am fine I deserved that," Artemis Sr. and Angeline looked horrified, never in their lifetime have they heard Artemis say he deserved something especially if it meant for him to get hurt "let me continue to read and you will find out"

**Artemis Could hear the blood pumping in his ears. He had them. They would be as ants beneath his feet. Their every secret would be laid bare by technology. Suddenly the exhaustion claimed him and he sank back in his chair. There was so much yet to complete. Forty-three pages to be translated for a start.**

**He pressed the intercom button that linked him to speakers all over the house. 'Butler. Get Juliet and come up here. There are some jigsaws I need you to assemble.'**

**Perhaps a little family history would be useful at this point.**

**The Fowls were, indeed, legendary criminals. For generations they had skirmishes on the wrong side of the law, hoarding enough funds to become legitimate. Of course, once they were legitimate they found it not to their liking and returned almost immediately to crime.**

**It was Artemis the First, our subject's father, who had thrown the family fortune into jeopardy. With the break-up of communist Russia, Artemis Senior had decided to invest a huge chunk of the Fowl fortune in establishing new shipping lines to the vast continent. New consumers, he reasoned, would need new consumer goods. The Russian Mafia did not take too kindly to a Westerner muscling in on their market and so decided to send a little message. This message took the form of a stolen Stinger missile launched at the Fowl Star on her way past Murmansk. Artemis Senior was on board the ship, along with Butler's uncle and 250,000 cans of cola. It was quite an explosion.**

**The Fowls were not left destitute, far from it. But billionaire status was no longer theirs. Artemis the Second vowed to remedy this. He would restore the family fortune. And he would do it in his own unique fashion.**

**Once the Book was translated, Artemis could begin planning in earnest. He already knew what the ultimate goal was, now he could figure out how to achieve it.**

**Gold, of course, was the objective. The acquisition of gold. It seemed that the People were almost as fond of the precious metal as humans. Each fairy had its own cache, but not for much longer if Artemis had his way. There would be at least one of the fairy folk wandering around with empty pockets by the time he'd finished.  
**

" and that would be, the Council, he got a huge chunk of the LEP budget," Trouble said nonchalantly

"Hey didn't I give it back!" Artemis protests

**After eighteen solid hours of sleep and a light continental breakfast, Artemis climbed to the study that he had inherited from his father. It was a traditional enough room - dark oak and floor-to-ceiling shelving - but Artemis had jammed it with the latest computer technology. A series of networked Apple Macs whirred from various corners of the room. One was running CNN's website through a DAT projector, throwing oversized current-affairs images against the back wall.**

**Butler was there already, firing up the hard drives.**

**'Shut them all down, except the Book. I need quiet for this.'**

**The manservant started. The CNN site had been running for almost a year. Artemis was convinced that news of his father's rescue would come from there. Shutting it down meant that he was finally letting go.**

**'All of them?'**

**Artemis glanced at the back wall for a moment. 'Yes,' he said finally. 'All of them.'**

**Butler took the liberty of patting his employer gently on the shoulder, just once, before returning to work. Artemis cracked his knuckles. Time to do what he did best - plot dastardly acts.**

"And That is the end of the chapter"

"Ha! Even the narrator said that you make dastardly plans! I told you Arty! I told you" Holly exclaims punching the air.

"I am never going to hear the end of it now am I?" muttered Artemis rubbing his temples.

"Nope!" Said Holly happily. Trouble, Foaly and Mulch grin they haven't Seen Holly this happy since the day they celebrated Artemis's birthday.

"Oh Holly the next chapter is about you"

Holly stopped and turned around slowly.

"Wait, WHAT!"

"The next chapter is about you," Artemis says craftily his signature vampire smile forming, on his face.

"Why don't you read it" Holly narrows her eyes at him, "okay"


	5. Chapter 5 part 1

Holly lost her happy demeanor and started to read.

**HOLLY Short was lying in bed having a silent fume. **

"that is Holly's default mood" muttered Foaly

**Nothing unusual about this. Leprechauns, in general, were not known for their geniality. But Holly was in an exceptionally bad mood, even for a fairy. Technically she was an elf, fairy being a general term. She was a leprechaun too, but that was just a job.**

"So you not a leprechaun you are an elf. But if your an elf, how did we get the name leprechaun, like the little green guys with black boots and a pot of gold." Says Beckett

"Yes, we"Trouble points at Holly and himself "are elves, they" he points at Qwan and N.1 "are demons"

"Demons!" Angeline exclaims in alarm

"Yes, we are demons though do not pose any threat." N.1 squeaked,

"They are actually the least dangerous out of all is the People or at least attitude-wise," Artemis comments. Butler nods. His mouth twitching up.

"What do you mean?" Minerva asks Curiously, the demons look like the most dangerous and the elves actually look like small children but the dangerous high tech guns will show you otherwise.

"Well, these elves are trigger-happy, to put it bluntly" Artemis responds as if says it was just tea. Butler and Juliet rolled their eyes,

"What!?" Minerva looks at the elves to see them smiling devilishly and expertly twirling their high tech guns.

"Ya got that right, Mud boy"

"I am the genius who made those guns" Foaly boasts proudly

"You are small and fat nothing like the descriptions of the tall and lean centaurs we see in the movies, though you do seem to have a larger cranium, most likely because you have a larger Cerebrum," Myles says

"You are most definitely Artemis's brother" Qwan, N.1, Foaly and Trouble said, though in different ways.

"What do you mean?" Artemis Sr. Asks curiously, looking at the fairies.

"If you know Artemis for around 2 decades you probably will know what his behavior is and if someone is similar to him, He" Holly points at Myles "is a mini-Mudboy"

"I will take that as a compliment, though Holly if you insist on calling me that will you please call me Mud Man?" Artemis says, rather irked that Holly calls him that he is a grown man, hardly a boy. Holly smiles she loves to annoy Artemis in every possible way.

"What are you?"Myles asks jerking his head toward Mulch.

"I am a dwarf," Mulch said though he was looking rather sullen, probably no food.

"You're a dwarf? As in the seven dwarves, dwarf?"Myles snorted, "you look like a hair-ball with a face" the People snickered, as did Artemis who smirked. Butler and Juliet shake their heads, though Juliet bursts out laughing.

"May I continue to please? I would love to throw jabs at stinky over there, but I want to finish" No answer, so Holly continued.

**Perhaps a description would be more helpful than a lecture on fairy genealogy. Holly Short had nut-brown skin, cropped auburn hair and hazel eyes. Her nose had a hook and her mouth was plump and cherubic, which was appropriate considering that Cupid was her great grandfather. Her mother was a European elf with a fiery temper and a willowy figure. Holly, too, had a slim frame, with long tapered fingers perfect for wrapping around a buzz baton. Her ears, of course, were pointed. At exactly one meter in height, Holly was only a centimeter below the fairy average, but even one centimeter can make an awful lot of difference when you don't have many to spare.**

**Commander Root was the cause of Holly's distress. Root had been on Holly's case since day one. The commander had decided to take offense at the fact that the first female officer in Recon's history had been assigned to his squad. Recon was a notoriously dangerous posting with a high fatality rate, and Root didn't think it was any place for a girlie. Well, he was just going to have to get used to the idea, because Holly Short had no intention of quitting for him or anybody else.**

**"**Um, Holly didn't you quit after Sool became Commander?" Juliet says,

"How could I work with such" Holly stopped and switched to Gnommish "a demented, sexist pig, he thought I killed JULIUS! He was like my father"

"Do I even want to know what you said?" Asked Artemis Sr.

"What did you say?"Minerva looked at Holly.

"I am starting to regret mindwiping you," said Foaly,

"I don't think the Sr. Fowls will like what Holly said"Trouble, N.1 and Foaly said

Holly glared at them, and Artemis smirked. "I would like to continue if you don't mind, you will probably find out later if Myles Anything like Artemis and if you really are as smart as you say you are, you will find out sooner or later"

**Though she'd never admit it, another possible cause for Holly's irritability was the Ritual. She'd been meaning to perform it for several moons now, but somehow there just never seemed to be time. And if Root found out she was running low on magic, she'd be transferred to Traffic for sure.**

"no wonder your shield failed"Holly grunts in reply.

"No, I purposely wanted mud men to see me" retorts Holly glaring at Trouble.

"Can you continue please I want to know how you know each other" Artemis Sr. said studying each fairy in turn. (_**A/N: in this fanfic, Artemis' family was mindwiped, including Myles and Beckett.) **_

**Holly rolled off her futon and stumbled into the shower. That was one advantage of living near the earth's core - the water was always hot. No natural light, of course, but that was a small price to pay for privacy. Underground. The last human-free zone. There was nothing like coming home after a long day on the job, switching off your shield and sinking into a bubbling slime pool. **(Myles, Juliet, and Minerva looked disgusted)** Bliss.  
The fairy suited up, zipping the dull-green jumpsuit up to her chin and strapping on her helmet. LEPrecon uniforms were smart these days. Not like that top-o'-the-morning costume the force had had to wear back in the old days. Buckled shoes and knickerbockers! Honestly. No wonder leprechauns were such ridiculous figures in human folklore. Still, probably better that way. If the Mud People knew that the word 'leprechaun' actually originated from LEPrecon, an elite branch of the Lower Elements Police, they'd probably take steps to stamp them out. Better to stay inconspicuous and let the humans have their stereotypes.**

"and Arty is the only Mud boy that found the fairy people"

"Hey didn't find out about the demons!" Minerva protests

"I said Mud _boy_ last time I checked you are a Mud _girl!" _

Minerva smiled at this, she missed her elven friend even after they mindwiped her. She always knew that something was missing. **  
With the moon already rising on the surface, there was no time for a proper breakfast. Holly grabbed the remains of a nettle smoothie from the cooler and drank it in the tunnels. As usual, there was chaos in the main thoroughfare. Airborne sprites jammed the avenue like stones in a bottle. The gnomes weren't helping either, lumbering along with their big swinging behinds blocking two lanes. Swear toads infested every damp patch, cursing like sailors. That particular breed began as a joke but had multiplied into an epidemic. Someone lost their wand over that one.  
**"Who created these sweartoads?" Myles and Angeline asked, as you PROBABly noticed that both Artemis's are quiet, they were actually studying the People, or well Artemis Sr. Was while Artemis Jr. was tinkering with his communicator.

"Oh, in the name of Frond Arty what are you doing with that?" Holly says exasperatedly, turning her head toward him "it is annoying"

"I am merely adjusting some gears and Myles the sweartoads were an experiment that went feral, two were set loose by some college students the toads started to reproduce rapidly"

"you just summarized that entire mayhem in several sentences" muttered Trouble.

"what do you expect this is Arty we are talking about," Juliet says. Holly rolls her eyes, looks around and starts to read again.

**Holly battled through the crowds to the police station. There was already a riot outside Spud's Spud Emporium. LEP Corporal Newt was trying to sort it out. Good luck to him. Nightmare. At least Holly got the chance to work above ground.**

"I am honestly happy that Newt had to do that, I would go insane if I had to do it again." Trouble says Holly glares at him.

"You are lucky you are a Wing Commander because I would have set you on traffic duty if I was your superior" Trouble rolled his eyes. "more and more like Root" he muttered

"should I mention this one time where-" Foaly was cut off by Holly's glare, it was the _**Foaly shut up or all your computers are going to be fried **_glare.

Foaly smartly shut up, he wouldn't dare endanger his precious computers.

"Where what? What happened?" Mulch asked.

"nothing that concerns you convict," Holly says, her hand straying toward her Neutrino.

**The LEP station doors were crammed with protesters. The goblin/dwarf turf war had flared up again, and every morning hordes of angry parents showed up demanding the release of their innocent offspring. Holly snorted. If there actually was an innocent goblin, Holly Short had yet to meet him. They were clogging up the cells now, howling gang chants and hurling fireballs at each other.**

"wait is it those goblins that look like those short and fair-skinned. very long fingers and feet, dome-shaped heads from Harry Potter?" Angeline asks, Mulch snorts

"oh those Mudman made goblins are nowhere near the goblins we have, they have scales no eyelids and can throw fire"

Angeline looks horrified by the remark,

" I would not suggest telling her that you stopped a goblin Rebellion," whispered Butler into Artemis ear.

**Holly shouldered her way into the throng. 'Coming through,' she grunted. 'Police business.'**

**They were on her like flies on a stink-worm.  
**

'**My Grumpo is innocent!'**

**'Police brutality!'**

**'Officer, could you take my baby in his blanky? He can't sleep without it.'**

**Holly set her visor to reflect and ignored them all. Once upon a time, the uniform would have earned you some respect. Not any more. Now you were a target. 'Excuse me, Officer, but I seem to have misplaced my jar of warts.' 'Pardon me, young elf, but my cat's climbed a stalactite.' Or, 'If you have a minute, Captain, could you tell me how to get to the Fountain of Youth?' Holly shuddered. Tourists. She had troubles of her own. More than she knew, as she was about to find out.**

**In the station lobby, a kleptomaniac dwarf was busy picking the pockets of everyone else in the booking line, including the officer he was handcuffed to. Holly gave him a swipe in the backside with her buzz baton. The electric charge singed the seat of his leather trousers.**

**'Whatcha doing there, Mulch?'**

**Mulch started, contraband dropping from his sleeves.  
**

"I thought Mulch was a PI," Minerva said

"Well, I used to be a criminal, that is where Holly came from the idea of calling me convict though Julius called me that before he died. Holly and I started the PI company, and then she disappeared for three years and then Doohdah Day became my partner,"

"Wow, Mulch you just summoned up the entire fifth book," Foaly said picking up the _**Lost Colony **_

"Will you please cut short these spoilers? "Holly said, she fixed everyone with a look that clearly said _**Be Quiet Let Me Finish This Chapter Or Else. **_

Everyone became quiet, though Beckett didn't notice the look

**'Officer Short,' he whined, his face a mask of regret, 'I can't help myself. It's my nature.'**

**'I know that, Mulch. And it's our nature to throw you in a cell for a couple of centuries.'**

**She winked at the dwarf's arresting officer.**

**'Nice to see you're staying alert.'**

**The elf blushed, kneeling to pick up his wallet and badge.**

Who was the arresting officer?" Qwan asks, he came to know a lot of the officers in the LEP,

"Oh, that was Captain Vein,"

"Why to embarrass an old time friend" Trouble mumbles. Holly sighs,

"Come on Trouble, you know I can't resist teasing Ash, and I want to finish this chapter"

**Holly forged past Root's office, hoping she would make it to her cubicle before ...**

**'SHORT! GET IN HERE!'**

**Holly sighed. Ah well. Here we go again.**

**Stowing her helmet under her arm, Holly smoothed the creases from her uniform and stepped into Commander Root's office.**

**Root's face was purple with rage. This was more or less his general state of existence, a fact that had earned him the nickname 'Beetroot'. There was an office pool running on how long he had before his heart exploded. The smart money was on half a century, at the outside.**

"And I won the pool, sadly," Holly said looking anguished.

"Why is she so sad?" whispered Beckett to Artemis. "Commander Root was like a father to her, after her own biological father died on the field"

"What did you guess?" N.1 being innocent and all asked.

"I guessed 3-4 years, and it did explode after Opal Koboi bombed him,"

The others that knew Root lowered their heads and muttered prayers.

"Um, Holly since you guessed correctly maybe you should be a prophecy giver like the Oracle of Delphi," Mulch muttered in Gnommish.

The people who understood him laughed, Holly shook her head, Mulch can always lift the mood, no matter what the conditions.

"Mulch is actually right, you have not yet a promise that you didn't fulfill, even with the troll," Artemis adds, Holly raises her hands in defeat.

"I had no idea they were literally going to bring in a troll"

"But they still brought in the troll and it demolished the Manor, and we did meet a troll and you were there. If you were not there Butler would be dead"Holly lost her happy demeanor and started to read.

**A/N: Okay, before someone kills me I can explain. so my tests are coming in and I have troubles with friends and- I am gonna stop rambling and say simpling that my life is chaos. and it is going to be chaos for the next 2 months. I can guarantee you that. maybe longer I am trying to update Let's Bend A Few Rules, Cousin, like I said my life is chaos. this is only part one. the chapter itself is really long. **


	6. rewrite upload

Sorry guys, I have not been active forever, I am sure it was about a year since I have updated and I am so sorry, I know, I have got PM's saying that I should continue and the reviews have been asking me to continue. I will be honest with you, I was neglectful, I wanted to update but then something went on in my life and then I forget and I am so sorry. My life was chaos with traveling, school, and books. I plan on rewriting Artemis Fowl Reads, I read The Fowl Twins, Eion Colfer is awesome and go read it, I am serious. I want to do something that kinda follows the storyline, though like a couple of years before it starts because, reasons.

So I am so sorry and I know my name is Crossover19, and I haven't done any crossovers. (spoiler alert: I have a MARVELous idea for our little crew) I want to rewrite my d'arviting excuse for a story. Also, I am deleting "Let's bend a few rules, Cousin." I don't really like how I wrote it so yeah.

I am sorry and my story will continue,

Yours truly, Crossover19


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